…I accepted when I thought you were him because I knew he was ill, I just didn’t want to admit to myself that his illness was terminal – although it had been obvious since Cannes. Meanwhile I was wondering how he has the energy for this – even if imaginary – given his weakness. When he was in Cannes I saw the despair and fear in his eyes, also resignation. In Austin I saw sadness and peace…his skin was translucent…a part of him was already in R2…but I didn’t want to accept it….He was so frail…my most beloved…infinite pain, infinite sorrow, infinite despair…
The long series of ‘Forgive me’ happened because when he was in Austin, it became clear that he couldn’t have posted during that time interval, and more than that… he didn’t seem like someone with the energy to secretly shuffle and rearrange The Library. I could have checked the timelines to see that they didn’t match… I considered it, but deep down, I knew they didn’t… yet I wanted to believe. Love is not just blind, it chooses to remain blind.
Anyway… I don’t like this obsessive energy, and I’m tired. I had planned to leave The Library many times before he passed away. I was weary, so weary of guessing, of hoping and not receiving anything, not even an indirect confirmation, let alone a text message. I stayed because I loved him irremediably and because he was ill…
Now, I will keep going back and forth for a while to gather the remnants of my dreams and send them to him in R2… but eventually, I will leave The Library because it is causing too much pain…
And then, dear impostor… if you want something from me at that time, you should contact me directly… to talk, perhaps to become friends…